00:00.50 alifeinruins And welcome back? Um, yeah, it's it's I have learned from this experience One Academia is not all. It's cracked up. It's not I don't know what I thought going into this like. 00:17.74 alifeinruins Honestly, like going to faculty meetings. It's like going to a anthropology graduate student association meeting where there's like you have to go like everyone has to be a part of it and like no one like it's just it was just like holy shit like how dysfunctional. Academia truly is and like the me like when you hear what's going on from the president. It was just like holy shit and like I have to give props to like now I get it because I used to have conversations with Dr Taylor like will when he first showed up and he wouldn't tell me stuff he like dude how is that meeting and like just the look on his eyes. Now I get it like he has this like and I don't want to like he has this like nom stare right now I get it I'm just like holy shit. Okay, and I asked Doug and Bob about it and did like you know? Well, you're a grad student like being a ph d candidate fucking awesome compared like you have 1 thing you're working towards. You're a professor. It's not that and it's just like holy shit. Um, and I'm I'm struggling I don't know what I'm want to do like I'm going to give Kansas a shot and if it's as shitty as it is as it is here I might just be done and maybe you know Matt if you're listening to this. We need to get this tribal archeology position like officially off the ground. But um, yeah I don't know I wanted just to to sell this stuff for a couple reasons like 1 if if you're on the job market or think about being a professor like just listen to the voice inside your head like when I was about to. 01:51.33 alifeinruins Let Indiana know like I had this voice that I should have listened to that was stay in Denver and I and I shut up. Um I think I still could got the Kansas job if I if I stayed in Denver. And just worked at the museum I really missed Colorado I'm probably the fattest I've ever been in my life right now I was doing really good in the fall when I first showed up I was on hold clanse Carlton and then depression really hit me in December. Where things just kept going downhill downhill downhill and like working out it was I still went to the gym and I was still working out but fuck do I love food but I was doing really good that up until then I'm now now that I'm I'm actually really happy for the first time in a long time. Ready for Kansas finally got a see pap. Um I'm like really looking forward to my life now I feel much better. So I'm back into tonight was so celebrated I did an event today at today's um ah september second I'm recording this There's ah archeology day and I got to run a booth up with some with a colleague two colleagues up at the indiana state history museum and had a lot of fun and after a good day. Um celebrated with some chicken wings only 8 like 5 and. 03:20.68 alifeinruins And you know put them in the fridge and then burnt my eyeballs in the last segment but you know 1 thing. And you've heard this on on the podcast a lot like take care of your mental health like if it wasn't for David orconnor like oh and I don't want to say this on it I shouldn't say it on there but I got to some pretty low points where I could have made some really drastic decisions and it wasn't for my friends. I don't know where I'd be today and there's times I almost quit I had to really I can't express how bad of a mind fuck this past year's been but now I'm looking forward to what's on the horizon but I guess another piece of advice. Whatever that's worth. Is you know professor of mine at community college who I owe a lot to he's the one that really you know stressed the importance of not getting into a relationship or not getting married before a ph d but like I'm kind of at that point where like I'm alone all my friends are married my colleagues are married It's really hard for me. To find a partner because of being a professor at 31 in a college town. My options are limited and like but most importantly, it's not just that. But it's like the support that my colleagues have like you know as as a couples and and married couples. Especially you guys have each other and like I come to a. 04:50.42 alifeinruins And then those are decisions I made and and I'm only saying that because like I wish I had tended to some of my more personal life stuff a little bit more I've been so focused and driven I think that's the biggest part I've been so focused and driven on getting a tenure track position and being a professor. Because I wanted that so I could help my community finally reaching it and looking back and realizing one I'm no closer to helping my community where I've been at in Indiana like there are structural academic boundaries in place. That kept me from from doing that and then two. It's like what's it for I've been fucking miserable. You know I really desperately hope that Kansas I'll be able to help the pana nation and other indigenous communities from the central plains a lot more I think I will. You've been reading the news k. You's been going through another huge knara case. But I've I've been in contact with them and they've been keep me in touch and I going to be part of it and I'm really excited to be able to make ah an actual difference like that is what I'm being brought in to help out with is fix the nac for issues and work not only with the po nation. But. Our neighbors and um and these are people I know and I'm excited to work with um and just be closer to home. So maybe so hopefully they'll change. Maybe it was just a but product of being in Indiana or the the nature of how I was hired here that might have been the reason I've been able to help. But. 06:19.23 alifeinruins Um, for those that listen whether you're in academia or not should make a list of what's fucking important to you I wish I had and remind yourself like I thought it was all about the ph d in the and the tenure track and I'm kind of realize I'm just that I've I've hit. I've crossed the finish line I'm just like I don't know if it was worth it. Um, especially the tender track part might just be I might I might be a different tune. This podcast is still on in here I might give like a year review of or at least my first semester at Kansas. And might just be a situational place that we've heard about this in acting people switch departments all the time to be happy I also got to give a huge shout out to Jesse and Shane I know people get upset that we have him on the podcast. So much. Um, but ah. 07:08.46 alifeinruins They have I've only met fucking Shane in person once and that was at this year's se in Seattle um, or Portland um, but like they've become 2 colleagues of mine who one I looked up to when we were doing the podcast originally but now like I can just call Shane. And be like I'm fucking struggling and he answers and gives me like real advice and like a lot of my colleagues have like I've relied on Bob Kelly a lot Shane Eric Robinson especially um and they're like at Connor and David and like my high school buddies. Um. They have given me so much fucking support through this It's been incredible and and like I owe a lot to them and and you know that's part of just to keep tending your personal life. You know I've tended that garden pretty good of keeping people I care about close by and having those friendships. That's one thing I've been good at. Um, but it's just like one of those things you know and and maybe part of my depression at Indiana has affected the podcast and maybe when Kansas this will come back or maybe it might just be me for a bit. It might just be Conor. David is far too famous as being ethnociology to be honest, he's going to start his own podcast if he's going to get to do podcasting. Um, if anything you know what? I mean? Um, but we really appreciate and I appreciate followers like I appreciate people's messages and stuff when I do get them. 08:38.10 alifeinruins Um, and I'm sorry that we haven't done like a formal and where the hell have we been and I know this was not an episode. Many people were probably expecting oh a new episode of life ruins on. It's like oh shit Carlton's suffering from depression. It's like yeah that wasn't this wasn't like planned it was. Um, we needed an episode and I've I've been thinking about talking about this for probably like two months and I just needed to just get it straight like I've i. 09:09.28 alifeinruins I'm ah hoping people can take something out of this. Oh also gonna be a huge shout out to Georgia Butcher I don't know if she solicits the podcast but Georgia has been awesome in every every couple months doing a sanity check with me and just letting me vent and she's been great. I'm really glad. She's continued to stay in contact I wish Georgia the best and um and also Matt Matt and Marty back in pawnie they've been fantastic as well. Matt Matt probably I don't tell Matt things but I'll I'll call Matt maybe every other week and just. 09:43.38 alifeinruins Talked about archeology and pawne history just for my own sanity to feel like I'm connected or maybe contributing I don't know. But yeah I mean everybody just maybe maybe what I'm struggling now is like kind of like the don't meet your meet your idle thing I finally. Where I thought I wanted to be in life. It's not what I thought it was cracked up to be and so like I'm just changing where I want my goals to be so I've like kind of reenvisioned what I want my life to be in in my purpose and I've noticed a change in myself when I've realized what I wanted to do and what my boundaries are and. Hopefully other people too. Maybe other folks have kind of suffered to this and I hope I don't sound just completely whiny I know many folks like really competent brilliant archeologists like struggle on the academic job market for a long time waiting for that perfect gig and i. i' just I've had a different track and getting Indiana now Kansas but you know for very different reasons. Um, and for those that that are still in the market keep trying those that are thinking about being a professor you know, definitely ask your advisors what it really means. It's not just research and teaching. There's a whole admin side to it that I wasn't prepared or expected for that really made me nauseous with the system. So. 11:10.10 alifeinruins I Think we'll go ahead and and end it there I hope I've I've hope this has been meaningful to some folks. Um I Hope you everyone who's listen you guys are all doing well people care about you keep doing what you're doing keep giving keep giving it your best if you ever need Help. You guys got to reach out to. Close friend friends or family and the world is better having you in it. Um, and with that um this has been episode 72 of life from his Podcast. We'll catch you next time.