00:00.00 alifeinruins Is it recording. Okay Bonos Dia Commo asked 00:00.00 Dr_ Margie Serrato Yes, when of the mobian necessitytando Muha practica. 00:08.68 alifeinruins As theres a prettyade podcast and a spaniel but ah now but we won't we won to speak spanish I will do it in english the um Conor and Carlton are not here today so you guys know what that means I just do whatever I want so I'm gonna do just my own kind of. 00:09.75 Dr_ Margie Serrato We be in whoohoo. 00:25.64 alifeinruins Podcast here I'm here with Dr Margie is Iterrao Cerrato okay ah her she is a um, you wanted to say it like I I don't have to do the structure. Okay. 00:29.40 Dr_ Margie Serrato Serrato. 00:35.78 Dr_ Margie Serrato Yeah, sure. So so I'm a cultural anthropologist is is I always say I'm a culture anthropologist by trade. But I also transition into being a professional like personal development coach. Um, so as a cultural anthropologist My basically like I've had like over like. 00:44.30 alifeinruins Okay. 00:51.49 Dr_ Margie Serrato 30 years of research of like gender and sexuality and culture and particularly nonconformity like spaces where we are not allowed to be because of our gender and how people perceive that and what that means. 01:06.38 alifeinruins Ah, do you give me an example of that like what what kind of stuff you talking about. 01:09.18 Dr_ Margie Serrato Sure So some of the examples would be like women in the military or male nurses or you know male teachers right? So so we we associate certain certain areas of life with and caregiving you know with women so with like certain genders. 01:13.84 alifeinruins Right. 01:26.34 alifeinruins Here. 01:28.29 Dr_ Margie Serrato Um, so I look at it from the perspective of like the traditional like binary kind of like you know women and men. But then we can obviously like send I send a lot more into that. But yeah, so like when we're not allowed to be in certain places because of something that we are absolutely like have no control over which is who we are so. When it. So my ph d research was about women in the military because women in combat in particular because we have a lot of a lot of very deeply held beliefs about where women should or shouldn't be and the military is not 1 of them for a lot of different reasons. 02:03.86 alifeinruins Yeah, it's pretty recent. 02:06.70 Dr_ Margie Serrato Um, yeah, yes and we're very slow to change our ideas about gender our beliefs about gender um particularly about women and what where women are allowed to be or not and what they're allowed to do or not and how we condition. 02:13.67 alifeinruins A. 02:24.80 Dr_ Margie Serrato Um, kids from the beginning of like who they're supposed to be and how they're supposed to behave and what they're supposed to you know say or think and that has a lot of implications for us in a lot of different ways. Yes, exactly yes. 02:32.11 alifeinruins Yeah, like G I Joes versus baries as kids like when yeah yeah, yeah, cool. Um, well we can definitely dive further into that later because your piece D research was ah. I Guess fascinating would be the word but also kind of bumming but we can get into that but I'd first like to ask um like what would you? What was your childhood would you grow up. 02:59.36 Dr_ Margie Serrato Okay, so I am the first person in my family to be born in the United States so I am like the first in a first generation american um, my family is originally from Colombia and kind of came here because of. Ah, tragic reasons that I kind of mentioned to you yesterday. But ultimately it was ah my my maternal grandfather. Um, let's say was was irresponsible is like the very nicest word that I could use ah but ultimately like he was a he was a gambler. Ah, womanizer ah not had a lot of faults. Um, and he lost everything and so he lost they basically gambled away you know his house his home his belongings which were also his family's belongings and kind of like had no had no other choice but to. 03:47.22 alifeinruins Oof. 03:52.00 Dr_ Margie Serrato Move away and try to find something somewhere else so he had you know it's kind of like the the stereotypical story of like you know people come to United States is like you know someone who has been here and then suddenly that opens up like the possibility for you of like when you know somebody firsthand. Or like you know, somebody who's close to you that has done something extraordinary somehow like there's there's definitely parts of you that go I could never do that. But then there's also another part of we are like well if that person did it so can I and so it was kind of one of those situations. The friend was like you know, come over. This is the line of opportunity this is mind you in like mid 70 S. 04:22.10 alifeinruins Um. 04:26.55 alifeinruins Okay. 04:28.16 Dr_ Margie Serrato Um, and he went to New York got a factory job and then lucky bastard that he won the lottery when he was here so one of the lotteries that he has won he won a lottery multiple times in his lifetime but 1 of those was here and so because of that he was able to quite literally buy a house and car. 04:37.30 alifeinruins Wow. 04:47.85 Dr_ Margie Serrato And sent for his family within like a few years of being here. It is ah and and honestly that's probably like the only time that he didn't completely ruin his family financially after that. Ah so that was a good thing. Um, but of course like you know, then there's this like you. 04:49.69 alifeinruins That's incredible. 05:04.53 Dr_ Margie Serrato But sending all of his kids at that time. So my mom is the oldest and um, they you know she was a teenager at the time she was like I think 16 and so she she came over with her siblings. Her siblings were all younger by a few years and yeah, they just they grew up here. They went to high school here and yeah, the. And then after that is kind of what a lot of a lot of families have to go through as firstgeneration and second-generation americans or second generation immigrants in any place is like how do you go from everything that you knew everything that's familiar not just the place but also your beliefs. Your traditions your everything your your entire way of life and how do you adapt to the new place. Not just assimilation but also integration of like the things that are important to you that you don't want to give up but recognizing that those are things that you don't ah, you aren't always able to. 05:54.52 alifeinruins Yeah. 06:01.44 Dr_ Margie Serrato Hold on to when you're in a new place and so that was a lot of that for my mom. My mom. She is an incredible person. She's like literally like my just my my my best role model in a lot of the best ways. Um because she. Even before like coming to United States she had very strong ideas about like looking at her family dynamic and going. Okay him having all these mistresses him being an alcoholic him being and like like of all of these stories and she she was from the time when she was really young. She was able to see those situations as and incongruent. Like these things are not okay and so she came to the United States then also at a time when you know feminism was you know the women's rights. Movements was very you know very alive and so she was she was in the middle of that transition to a new culture at a time when. All of these conversations about women's rights were really really really coming alive so that kind of compounded the things that she already felt for herself of these things are not okay. This is what we learn well screw that like I don't I don't believe I should only don't believe it for myself. 06:57.40 alifeinruins Great. 07:11.93 Dr_ Margie Serrato And I don't and I want to get out of that I want to get out of that mindset I want to get out of that ideology. Um, and it's really hard when your when your immediate family does not believe that. Um, so there is I can go into a lot of different things. 07:27.68 alifeinruins Sure. 07:29.49 Dr_ Margie Serrato On that. But for me personally seeing both the example of her particularly because um, she is a victim of domestic violence like yeah, um I I am able I'm just one of those people that is okay going pretty deep Personally so just. 07:38.29 alifeinruins Okay. 07:48.15 Dr_ Margie Serrato Content warning trigger warning here. Um my the first time that my my mom married super early. There's a whole lot there and that's her story. Not mine to tell. But when I think about like the stories of my life and my early childhood and how it was for my mom to be pregnant with me like she. Went to the doctor like after they got married um, she was feeling ill she didn't my my family's very catholic. Not you know we don't talk about sex. We you know all of these different things and yes she was just sick and so like she went to the doctor with you know my biological father and basically the doctor's like oh you're not sick. You're pregnant. And congratulations. Um, and that was literally the first day that she was ever beaten by my my by my father. He did not want to have children and she did not know how you know she didn know I they about card reception. You really didn't even know how you know babiesgies worked you know like have have to have one like. 08:31.35 alifeinruins Um, oh. 08:45.28 alifeinruins Um, yeah. 08:45.58 Dr_ Margie Serrato Reproduction works like very things that we can take for granted but in her generation right? You you just don't talk about um and so and subsequently like after that like he basically be her to try to introduce a miscarriage so that was you know for me personally like. From the time that I I existed or or or it was known of my existence right? like there was this immediate kind of like mom being my protector trying to keep me alive quite literally and keeping me safe quite literally. 09:07.84 alifeinruins Like while you were in there. Yeah. 09:18.60 alifeinruins Yeah. 09:23.65 Dr_ Margie Serrato To Okay, also at the same time her knowing that this was not okay, but having no support from her family because oh well, you're married and this is the cross that you must bear and they would not help her and like there were a lot of different things. But. 09:33.91 alifeinruins Right. 09:40.60 Dr_ Margie Serrato Because of all of those situations of her trying to leave my father things that I got to see very early on things that I got to see that no kid no kid should have to see you know her. You know their their parents their their mother getting beaten by someone. Um. 09:54.44 alifeinruins Yeah. 09:56.94 Dr_ Margie Serrato Those were actually the things that to me really cemented the whole in my even without my mom's instruction or modeling knowing that this is not okay and it's not okay for her and it's not okay for me and I don't have to accept that in my life. 10:13.50 alifeinruins Um, yeah. 10:14.69 Dr_ Margie Serrato And the same way that she felt like she didn't have to accept it in her life. Um, but she with because of her own struggle and being a divorce say like in the late 70 s early 80 s was really bad. Ah, anywhere in the United States yes absolutely um and so she struggled a lot with that. 10:25.57 alifeinruins Especially if you're catholic. Yeah yeah. 10:34.28 Dr_ Margie Serrato In addition to just trying to escape and trying to make a better life for herself as a single mother and like so it it ah to me those were very important adverse childhood experiences that I it can go either way some of us who go through those experiences. 10:48.69 alifeinruins Oh. 10:53.55 Dr_ Margie Serrato Just don't have the inner resources or the or the adult guidance to recognize this does it this this. It's not normal and you don't deserve this and I feel like a lot of times because as kids we don't. 11:00.63 alifeinruins It's not normal. 11:11.39 Dr_ Margie Serrato Understand how to make sense of that Our brains just go automatically go into this place of I must deserve it I'm a bad person and especially if you'd like add on a lot of the religious ideology of you know your your your sin from the start and you're just's like well like. 11:18.82 alifeinruins Are. Sure. 11:30.23 Dr_ Margie Serrato What can I do about this like I'm I'm screwed right? Um, so it was for me like a lot of that stuff really became important when I started looking at like what do I want to do in my life and what what is what matters to me What is meaningful to me. Because those were the questions that I wanted to answer in my education. So Do you have any questions as I know go for it. 11:54.40 alifeinruins Ah, several Um, well thank you for sharing that? Um, that's that's a lot to I know it's probably hard. So thank you for sharing. Um you Okay, so that probably influenced you then to do the work that you did for your your Ph d. 12:04.49 Dr_ Margie Serrato Let's say. 12:10.92 Dr_ Margie Serrato Yeah. 12:13.48 alifeinruins Um, okay, but to to back up, you were born in New York City but you eventually moved back to Columbia at some point. 12:19.33 Dr_ Margie Serrato So I moved yeah so in that process of my mom trying to escape my biological father she got backed with him several times and so I ended up one of those times I ended up after she divorced and then she remarried lot of story there. But. 12:26.19 alifeinruins Alright. 12:38.20 Dr_ Margie Serrato Um I ended up finishing elementary school in Columbia so I was there finished fifth grade and that was like during pavlo escobar light time. So ah, so that was like a really rough thing because I was experiencing my own set of like abuse because of her family. Um. 12:43.43 alifeinruins I Wanted to ask that? yeah. 12:53.69 alifeinruins And you were medain is that where you lived Meta gene. 12:55.24 Dr_ Margie Serrato Like really severe abuse me and my brother em meta gene yes, we lived in Meineen um and then yeah on top of that there was then the so there was the internal home dynamic that was really abusive and then there was the external like you know cultural you know geographic political dynamic of. Literally like when you hear a motorcycle. Everybody runs and hides because it could be assassins um might like some of my like 1 of my friends who lived like down the street his mother was a judge she was like shot down like right across the street from where we were things like that that again like I was you know. 13:18.78 alifeinruins That is crazy. 13:28.53 alifeinruins Wow. 13:33.42 Dr_ Margie Serrato Was 10 at the time these are things no kid no person really shit shit experience but especially like trying to make sense of that yourself as a kid is really hard and then going through like the internal like familial trauma too on top of that like yeah. Honestly like I think when a lot of people hear when now people get to know me and get to hear a lot more of like all of my really messed up horrific stories. They always go You're really normal for having gone through all of that and still like be good and it's it's kind of funny because um, you know there's this There's this test this um this this that that a lot of like therapists will will do um which is the adverse childhood experiences like tests right? I've never taken 1 of them I actually took one like his little like four or five months ago because that was at a workshop and they had this like quiz and that's like oh. 14:20.65 alifeinruins A. 14:30.54 Dr_ Margie Serrato I Think this is gonna be bad and I want to do it anyways and I had a score of 8 out of 10 and I'm like you know this is not one of those scores that I'm like yeah you got to be like like it was just it was really confronting to put a number to that or to put a a score. To all of the shit that I've been through in my life. Um, because because then that's the moment where and I realize oh I see what people mean like I've been through so much and why hasn't. 14:54.30 alifeinruins Um, yeah. 15:06.38 Dr_ Margie Serrato Stuff Beaten me down. Why is it that I'm always getting back up. Why is it that I'm always seeing this this different perspective in a lot of these adversities that ultimately lead me to this place of a I don't deserve it B does not mean I'm I'm not worthy C I know I can make myself better through it. And those are hard things because it's not the same. You know a lot of times when human beings like they get uncomfortable with the sadness of others and the grief of others and you you go through experiences and people be like. So For example, miscarriage. This is one of those that I've been through. 15:34.12 alifeinruins A. 15:42.58 Dr_ Margie Serrato 5 miscarriages 3 before my daughter 2 before my son and that I appreciate that but a lot of people will say like especially after you've you've had 1 a lot of people will say oh but you should be grateful that you you know you have a kid and it's like I am grateful that I have a kid that. 15:46.24 alifeinruins I'm so sorry. 15:59.10 Dr_ Margie Serrato Mean that I can't grieve and be upset and frustrated and sad and angry and all of the raw feelings about losing all these other pregnancies like there is nothing in any freaking rule book that says I'm supposed to be happy because. 16:05.94 alifeinruins Um, right. 16:17.90 Dr_ Margie Serrato I have something to be happy for when all of these other not happy things have happened but but again it's our automatic like wanting to take a situation that is making us uncomfortable and or taking somebody else's um, like negative feelings and wanting to just. 16:21.11 alifeinruins Right. 16:36.38 Dr_ Margie Serrato Put a little bandaid on it so we can move on like we have to be okay with discomfort. It is actually in discomfort that we learn so much about ourselves and about others just be quiet and just be uncomfortable with the feelings. 16:52.81 alifeinruins Oh. 16:54.72 Dr_ Margie Serrato And see where you get out of that versus trying to move past it and not feel the things but processing your emotions. Yeah, one of the things that in in coaching we say is um. 17:02.94 alifeinruins Like truly process um like process your emotions and kind of just feel the feelings. 17:13.10 Dr_ Margie Serrato Emotion is energy in motion when you don't allow your your emotions to really process. It's almost like trapping them in your body. 17:22.15 alifeinruins Yeah. 17:24.44 Dr_ Margie Serrato Right? The thing that we want to do is like no I don't want to deal with that I'm gonna close myself off to this I'm gonna either distract myself or I'm going to just put this freaking Ra wall around this thing and not deal with it or I'll deal with it later. Um and often we just don't learn the right coping skills right? and so that's the best that we can do to feel safe and to. 17:39.30 alifeinruins Yeah. 17:43.91 Dr_ Margie Serrato Protect ourselves. We do it unconsciously obviously but um, but by doing that we're we're not actually allowing those feelings to be released and so one of the things that we often say is um, it only it only takes like 30 to 90 seconds 18:01.46 Dr_ Margie Serrato For an emotion to process in your body and when you think about that and you think about how much you stop yourself from feeling like 30 to 90 seconds is not a lot of time but it's in the thinking of going through the emotion that we stall ourselves. 18:10.95 alifeinruins No. 18:16.39 alifeinruins Oh okay. 18:20.41 Dr_ Margie Serrato Right? But but if you just make it a practice to that This really sucks. Okay I'm just gonna sit with it and just breathe into that feeling and let that feeling pass let that feeling flow. Let all of the thoughts and all of the crap that comes up just. Go at the end of that you know, however long it takes for you to process that particular motion your body feels better your mind releases all of the crap and the anxiety at least for that moment. Um, and and you feel better, but we don't learn those skills. 18:39.69 alifeinruins Yeah. 18:47.81 alifeinruins A. 18:57.97 alifeinruins No, especially back then? yeah or until recently I should say. 18:59.61 Dr_ Margie Serrato Right? So So yeah, no definitely I think just yeah, exactly and even you know this is kind of one of those things that I ah I have to constantly remind myself of which is like oh this stuff is so natural to me like people know this and and I have and it's this. Awful trap of oh if I know this and this is like natural to me. It's natural to everybody else and that's that's one of those like fallacies that I have to deal with because I am great at teaching these skills and I'm great at holding space for people in a very non-judgmental way and just being. 19:29.48 alifeinruins Um. 19:38.35 Dr_ Margie Serrato Fully present with them while they're going through this stuff and trying to try to support them the best way that they need not the best way that I can right because everybody everybody does life differently and everybody learns things differently and everybody processes differently? um. Being able to hold space is in itself something remarkable that I don't give myself enough credit for so I'll give you an example when I started um, coaching training which was in at the end of Twenty twenty um we we always. It's like a six month like um training program which I absolutely loved I did mine through the coactive training institute and the every time I went through a training I you just come so much more transformed as a person but also come out with so many more skills as a coach. And 1 of those things that life. We would always do is after all of our like coaching like sessions and practice and things like that we would always ask for feedback from the other person. What was the thing that you know what's what's the feedback was the kind of like testimonial for like what I do well as a coach or what I don't or what things to work on and things like that. And it was really interesting because the thing that all of my fellow coaches would always say is you have this laserfocused presence like I feel like you're really really with me and and I thought that that was such a weird like I'm like well yeah I was I was with you like. 21:08.80 alifeinruins Yeah. 21:11.64 Dr_ Margie Serrato You know like I don't understand but it was coming up so often I Finally like I find like you just got of complained about it a little it like why does I already say this like they feel like I'm like present with them and and so somebody somebody meant ah the other the other one was that I was like they. They felt that they could be fully themselves without any judgment which I'm like well yeah, but that's just who I am like to be That's not a big deal and it wasn't until I complained and somebody said how many people in your life. Can you have conversations with where you feel like they're. Fully with you not like thinking about like where their reply is gonna be or not thinking about how to solve your problem or not but just there and not judging you for what you're feeling or for what you're thinking or making you like change your mind or your feelings or not and then once they once they kind of explained it that way I thought. 22:05.23 Dr_ Margie Serrato Got it? Yeah I can't say that I know anybody like that. Okay so I it finally clicked the importance of that. Um, and it's something that I feel really really matters as a human being but that is also one of those. 1 of those parts of me that is also really important in coaching because if and the same thing it would be in therapy if you don't have that sense of feeling heard and seen and just fully accepted as you are like we're pretty crappy at accepting ourselves. 22:30.89 alifeinruins Ah. 22:42.50 Dr_ Margie Serrato And we're We're really masterful at judging ourselves. You don't need somebody else to do that, Especially not in ah in a space where you're meant to process and heal and learn and grow and and. 22:54.47 alifeinruins Ah. 23:00.48 Dr_ Margie Serrato Yeah Grow I Wish it's ah the yeah, the biggest biggest word is just growth is messy. Transformation is messy. Um, but and we can do it ourselves but it it does help a lot more when you just have the space with somebody else to be. Just to be all of you all the messy shit. But also all of your glory and to have somebody else to see that in you is very remarkable and to me that's very easy to see in others I just have a hard time accepting that that's ah, a gift or a skill or ah something that is. 23:23.67 alifeinruins Um. 23:35.91 alifeinruins Sure. 23:37.56 Dr_ Margie Serrato Not something that's rare. You know something that it really is is not as common as I as I think or certainly is not as common as I I think I'd like it to be and I think that that's where there's that disconnect. 23:50.45 alifeinruins Yeah, um, well we have to go to a commercial break right now. But I guess just to sum up he went through an intense childhood with not only epigenetics trauma but you know trauma and then the largest narcoterrorist in the world down the block. Um. And now you are a speaker that talks about you know our coach with people about this kind of stuff. Yeah, not specifically Pablo Escobar but you know other things no growth. 24:12.94 Dr_ Margie Serrato Yeah, no, definitely not but doesn't come up very often but definitely growth and what what culture what culture means in our conditioning. What this What does that mean for who we're meant to be as as individual people. 24:29.25 alifeinruins Okay, well we will be right back guys. Thanks.